A MAN'S GUIDE TO SURVIVE A DIVORCE 

There is no greater emotional pain that can be inflicted upon a man than the announcement by his
wife that she wants a divorce. Even if both parties have "seen it coming" for some time, and the
announcement really comes as no big surprise, the actual announcement is quite similar to a bomb
exploding in your face. 

Such an announcement is "out-in-the-open" admission that the person you held hands with so many
years ago, and promised to love - honor - and obey - to be supportive of, to stand beside in good
times and bad -through sickness and health - for richer or poorer - no longer wants you or your
love. You have been rejected, and such a blow to a man's emotional equilibrium is just about the
most damaging illness you'll ever have to face in your lifetime. 

Be that as it may, it is of the utmost importance that when such a pain descends upon you, you
realize that you can recover - that you will recover - and that this is in reality, an opportunity for you
to attain real and total happiness according to your own standards. 

It will be hard, in fact, it will probably be just about the most difficult thing you've ever done in your
life, but you must immediately and absolutely turn the page on that chapter of your life. You must
quickly and absolutely sever all ties with that person - the one that has inflicted this pain upon you. 

Get them out of your house. Get rid of all things that remind you of them. Change your phone
number. If necessary, move into a new home or apartment. You must put an immediate end to your
marriage. Once a woman has announced to you that she no longer wants you for a husband, you
have to start thinking about your own survival. 

It's going to be similar to losing a vital part of your body, but you must let go, and the sooner you do
let go - completely end that chapter of your life - the sooner you'll be able to set about rebuilding
your life and ultimately finding the happiness you want. 

Between the time that your wife announces the end of the marriage, and the time when you'll find
new happiness, you're going to hurt like you've never dreamed possible. You're going to go through
a number of mental and emotional phases - all of which are perfectly normal and necessary in order
for you to "heal yourself" of this great hurt. You'll never be able to enjoy love or attain true happiness
until you have discharged the past from your system, and healed yourself. 

Think of all you're going through as a wound similar to a gash on your arm or leg. It's going to hurt,
and you're going to bleed, but with the proper care and time, you will recover. You must understand
that divorce is quite common - you're not alone nor going through anything that a lot of other people
haven't experienced - and that in order to "get well," you must understand the nature of the wound,
what to do in order to heal it, and as much about the pre-requisites to total recovery as possible. 

At first, you'll probably deny that this is happening to you. You may pretend that it's just a bad
dream or some sort of bad joke she's pulling on you. This type of thinking is normal, but it only
prolongs the agony of your hurt. You must face the reality of the situation - accept the fact that your
marriage is over - and get on with the task of finding happiness for yourself, immediately. 

You'll probably lay awake in bed at night and review "every minute" of your marriage - thinking that
in this or that circumstance, you could've been a better husband, and from there beg for another
chance. You'll want to accept full responsibility - at least a big share of the guilt - for the problems
that caused the break-up of your marriage. These thoughts are only natural, but they cannot put your
marriage back together, and any attempts to "try one more time," at this stage will only cause you
greater pain. You must accept the fact that your marriage is over, and busy your mind and yourself,
with activities that don't allow you time to "rehash" the events of the past. Don't allow yourself to

dwell upon guilt feelings. It takes two people to make a marriage, and marriages come apart because
of the differences in the two people involved. No one is perfect, and happiness in life is a matter of
learning from our mistakes. Accept your own short-comings; vow that you will profit from what
you've experienced; and then get on with your life. You'll never be comfortable with yourself, nor
find real happiness so long as you're dragging "guilt feelings from your past around with you. 

Somewhere along the way, you'll become so angry with your ex-wife - the world - and even God,
that you'll be beyond yourself in your ability to express it all. It will be necessary that you express this anger - to get it all out> 

Transfer interrupted!

ble to "feel good" around women again. 

Anger is the process of projecting onto another person, your own sense of hurt and frustration. It's
such a volatile and all-consuming emotion that unless you give it an outlet, it will literally eat you alive.
The thing to do is to understand your anger, and manage it in a manner that will benefit you - in such
a way that your expression of it is constructive to your regaining your emotional health. 

A few things you might think about doing: Write out for your kids, the complete story of your
marriage, how you met, your dreams and hopes, the good and the bad, the sacrifices each of you
made, and how -beyond either of your capabilities to control - the marriage just came to an end...
Write out in precise detail what is making you angry, and why. Put it in letter form to your ex-wife
and really tell her everything that has been, and is bothering you... Let her know that you are a
person with wants and needs too... Stand in front of a mirror and "rehearse" an angry confrontation
with your ex-wife and/or anyone else involved. Make an appointment with your priest or minister; or
find a friend who'll listen as you explain the frustration, hurt and futility you feel. 

Regardless of how you do it, it is an absolute necessity that you let it all out. This anger and
bitterness you feel is like a poison that you must cleanse from your soul. The sooner you get rid of it,
the sooner you'll be able to get on with your life - regain your mental health and position yourself for
happiness. 

Finally, there'll come a day when you'll no longer be bothered by thoughts of your ex-wife. It won't
even bother you when you see her with another man, and that'll be the day when you've finally
accepted the fact that you marriage to her is really over. You will have truly let go of her, and will be
ready for a new try at real happiness. 

Your progress from being rejected by your wife, to acceptance of the fact that you don't want her if
she doesn't want you, and positioning yourself for a second chance, won't come easily. In fact, it will
take you about two and a half to three years. You must understand the damage you've sustained, the
healing that's required, and the time it's going to take to get well. Too often, men still in the recovery
stages of a divorce, jump into a new marriage before they're ready. And when the "bomb explodes"
the second time, the trauma is more painful and the recovery even harder than the first time. 

It's imperative that you "cut yourself off" from you wife as quickly as possible. It's just as imperative
that you immediately set about analyzing what it is you want out of life, what you need to do in order
to get what it is you want, and then take the necessary steps towards achieving whatever it is you
want. 

First, you have to KNOW what it is you want. Then, you have to know what you HAVE TO DO in
order to get what it is you want. And finally, you have to START MOVING in the necessary
direction to end up with what you want. In other words, if you don't know what you want, nor how
to get it, you'll be without purpose or direction in life. 

This is ''goal-setting," and unless you set goals for yourself, you'll just be allowing yourself to be
pushed through life by whatever happens next. Use this "terrible time in your life" as a time for
introspection and a new start. think about yourself, and start taking the "baby-steps" necessary to
making you proud of yourself. Stop mourning the loss of your marriage; pick yourself up, and
determine within yourself that you're on your way to bigger and better things - total happiness and
love! 

Rebuilding your self-esteem - your ego and how good you feel about yourself - is one of the first
steps you must take. There are many ways to move in this direction... 

You might buy a new suit; paint the inside of your home; take a trip to someplace you've always
wanted to visit; go to see a special movie or any number of other things. The important thing is that
you do something that makes you feel good. 

From there, comes the introspection of where you are, and what you're going to have to do in order
to survive. Plan it all out on paper, and then do what you have to do in order to make it come out as
you've planned. 

Most important - don't be afraid of making mistakes or of "falling down" once or twice along the
way. It's just as if you were eighteen year old again, and just beginning a life on your own. It's like
when a baby learns to walk - he's going to stumble or fall a couple of times, but by continuing to try,
he eventually not only walks but finds he can run as well. So it is in rebuilding your life after a
divorce. 

It'll be hard, but the sooner you start dating, the easier it'll be for you to regain your emotional well
being. At first, even though you have to force yourself, you should just go out and associate with
other people. See for yourself that other people don't "immediately recognize you" as a divorced
man - a loser, or a failure. 

In the course of recovering from a painful divorce, it's not unusual for a man to go through a number
of brief sexual affairs. With some, there's a flurry of sexual activity - followed by periods of celibacy
- and maybe a "special steady" for awhile. This kind of activity is really sometimes necessary, and
definitely a part of the healing process as some men rebuild their self-esteem. 

Almost all people who have gone through a divorce, go through at least one transitional partner
during their healing process. This is a person that seems to be the answer to all your dreams - they're
the "special girlfriends" that ease a divorced man through the trauma - they're good for them; they
listen to them; they're sensitive to their needs but never demanding; and they fulfill their sexual hunger.
It's great to "find and use" such a transitional partner, but be aware of your own situation and their
usefulness to you, and don't allow yourself to end up marrying them. You may care about them a
great deal, and feel sure that they're the answer to all your dreams - that they have all the love you
could ever ask for - but don't marry them - what you're feeling is only the peace of an oasis in the
middle of a desert. And don't feel badly when eventually you break off such a relationship. Some
people are born to nurture others back to good health, and seeing you on your feet again, and on
your way to real happiness is the only reward these people really want. Then too, who's to say that
you won't someday be a transitional partner for someone who's hurting just as you once did... 

Finally, there's the problems of boredom and loneliness. In order to eliminate boredom and
loneliness from your life, you must first understand that both of these problems are self-induced. That
is, if you are bored or lonely, it's because you are allowing yourself to be... 

Boredom is generally a form of emotional anesthesia brought about by the person who is bored,
because he doesn't want to experience his own feelings. It's also a form of mental laziness which
keeps people from changing and growing. 

The bottom line is simply that people are accountable for their own boredom, and - if you feel
bored, then you had better remember that boredom breeds even more boredom. 

Whenever you think of yourself as being bored, get involved in something. Don't allow yourself to sit
and do nothing. Write letters to relatives or friends. Clean your garage or visit a neighbor. Get out
and spruce up your yard or take a drive and see what changes have taken place in and around the
area in which you live. Join up with a Singles social club and attend some of their functions; enroll in
a self-improvement course or two; visit a trade show and find out about some of the new products
being offered for sale. 

To alleviate boredom, you have to do something that might stimulate your interest. Thus, if you don't
want to do anything other than what you've been doing - if you're waiting for a bolt of lightning to
spark your interest in something - you'll continue to be bored. 

Loneliness is basically a different form of boredom. A person feels lonely when they can't think of
anything they want to do, and thus, they begin feeling sorry for themselves because no one cares
about them. 

In order not to be lonely, you have to start thinking of things you might enjoy doing with other
people, and then invite other people to join you in doing those kinds of things. Really, it's just as
simple as that - take a trip to one of your shopping malls with a friend and do some
window-shopping; meet a friend for lunch or dinner at a new restaurant; or invite a friend to join you
to see a move, a play, or even a concert. 

So long as you shut yourself away from other people, and do not get out into the world amongst
people, you will be lonely. To be happy, enjoy life, and know love, you have to make yourself
available to other people. 

To recover from the trauma of divorce, you have to understand the injury - apply the proper
medicine - allow enough time for the healing process to be completed - and all the while, be positive
that tomorrow will be a happier day for you. It's a kind of recovery therapy that only you can apply
and control - the results are up to you.